life is not about you

tonight i was humbled.

each and every day there is someone or something that irritates me... (not good). i tend to get to upset about things that are not really that important. An example is someone making a "joke" but i take it the wrong way, someone cutting me off while driving, my next door neighbor's dog barking at 2am on a Monday night.

Today someone just had such a poor tone of voice with something that isn't even argumentative. It made me feel disrespected and not want to speak anymore with this person because i fear their reaction. While I was driving to meet up with the small group I co-lead, I prayed that I would be given the strength to realize that "It is not about me, it's about God's glory". I have to stop thinking that every person is the nicest and most respectable person. I must realize that people are self-absorbed and ridiculous and instead of investing my time in getting upset I MUST PRAY for them and for the strength to see past that and still love on them like Jesus Christ loves on me.

This is an important change in my life, for sure.

you've got the love

so i've had a difficult time lately finding people that share similar interests with me. when i was in undergrad it was easy to find friends that have things in common with me: drinking and fsu sports. Now that I've grown up just a tad, those previous interests don't excite me anymore. Of course, fsu sports are still an important part and drinking never hurts .... but im an indie person at heart and I just haven't found any one in Tally that actually wants to do things I want to do. I know where to go, but going by myself doesn't seem too appealing. 


Today there were so many things I wanted to do, but I ended up having no one to do those things with. So I just settle for the other things, like FSU Sports and drinking.

This post isn't to say I don't have friends, because I do .... its just I am tired of doing the same mundane things on a weekly basis. I feel stagnant and I know there are so many things in this world to experience and I am not doing just that.

I was thinking about going to Bonnaro this summer and it seemed like people were all in to go (friends from back home) and today, the day to buy the tickets, they bailed. So yeah. .... hopefully those friends i've been hoping to find in Tally will magically appear. I'm tired of doing the same routine on a constant basis.

hmm ...

it's tough to try motivating yourself when it feels like everyone around you is watching and waiting for you to fail. maybe it's just my terrible perception of certain people around me, but i interpret so many messages as rude, condescending, and to break my motivation.

it's just small things ... like me working out this week. comments from people concerning my weight or my sudden decision to start working out tends to discourage me from doing it. i hate being asked so many questions about something so personal to me. you would think people would be encouraged that another person wants to try living a healthier lifestyle. instead i get asked questions and made fun of. it's not the way someone wants to live, or surround themselves with. but i am put in the position where i cannot avoid it because i am FORCED to be with these people on a daily basis.

it has put a strain on the relationships i have with these people outside the forced interaction though. how can i be friends with someone that isn't supportive of something positive. and these people are always waiting for you to make a mistake so they could shove it in your face. always waiting for you to fail so they can make fun of you. i don't understand why people are like this. are their lives that pathetic that they have to make everyone else feel like nothing to make themselves feel like something.

im surrounded by people the majority of my day who just plain suck. they are people destroyers not people supporters. my challenge to myself is to be a selective listener. but i feel this is going to take a lot of time.

somewhat productive .... hmmm

So today has felt somewhat productive ..... which is good, because I need to be completely productive on a normal basis. I need to feel accomplished at the end of the night, like I did not waste a second of my day or I was too lazy to do something I needed to do. 


This morning, I woke up at 6:30am and went to the gym to meet up with Courtney. I have been finding every single excuse to not go to the gym even after she asks me every weekday. So this time, I went and decided I was going to find a way to get rid of all of my excuses. So I packed my gym bag the night before, went and got a permanent locker (gotta love those Campus Rec connections) and told Courtney to remind me every day so I can't say I forgot. 


Work was productive. I did a lot today for myself. I got SB ready for the regular season, made the schedule, and cleaned my desk ... WOO. Oh and I did payroll ... what a bia! Then after work, came home .... got my study materials and came to RedEye and studied for an hour and 1/2 for the GRE. I just completed a GRE schedule in my agenda ... topics to focus on each day. I need to set aside 2 hours a day to study... I have 6 weeks until my GRE. 


And throughout those 6 weeks ..... 
1. Florida Wine Festival- March 18-19th (I'm interning with them)
2. St. George Chili Cookoff- March 3-5 (I'm interning with them also)
3. 9th Annual Masked Ball- March 19th (I'm interning with them as well)
4. Spring Break!- March 6-12 (Going home, Baby Bro's 19th Bday)
5. Daddy Visiting Tally- March 12-17 
6. Marketing and Sponsorship Proposal for my grad classes
7. Weekly grad hw
8. WORKRKKRKRKRKRKRK everyday! 9-5
9. Small Group- Every Tuesday night (I lead one)
10. TV.. haha gotta watch my shows sometimes. 


It's a crazy life but I feel like I can do it. 
I have to cut down the FB time. Cut out a couple of hours of sleep. Cut down the bullshit I do instead of studying. I can do it. 


IM DETERMINED. <3 

it was the worst of times

so today i was extremely frazzled. It started out at work. I came in knowing exactly what I had to accomplish and in a timely fashion. When I was about to work on everything I was told it was already done. For some reason my brain just didn't function correctly from there and I just couldn't adapt to this empty gap. Instead of going through what needed to be completed outside that one task I just sat there completely clueless. I kept working on another part of the one task and I was rushing at this point. Rushing so much I didn't proofread it and then made some simple mistakes. Not mistakes that really meant anything, but to me it was poor work ethic and just a terrible product that I made. 


After that insane part of my day, I thought going to GRE class would be better .... but yet it wasn't. I was again completely clueless on everything that was being taught. Geometry blows. I haven't done geometry since the 10th grade. Thats 6 years ago. ...... cool. We did a short quiz at the end of like 6 questions, I bombed every single one. You can tell I feel extremely confident to continue. 


Then I am about to go over a friends house but everything is all wrong. She had to be somewhere and I couldn't get to her house until too close to the time she had to leave. So the assignment we needed to accomplish by tomorrow is now going to get down an hour before it's due which then makes me feel rushed and unprepared. 


Of course, God is probably trying to tell me to calm down and stop freaking out over meaningless things... but it's so hard. I take so much pride in my work product and ethic. I have worked so hard in making everything effective and correct. I wouldn't say I am a perfectionist in everything ... but I am one in what I prioritize to be of greatest importance.

falling in love in a coffee shop

well im not really falling in love with a boy in a coffee shop.... i am attempting to fall in love with the GRE which has taken the past 5 hours, but i think im ready for a second date. i've been working on math related problems for the GRE. Going to attempt to take it the 3rd time on April 1st. I've been putting it off, sort of, the last month despite taking a class in it 2x a week. When I am in the class I am completely focused and absorbing the material like a sponge. But not reviewing the material constantly throughout the week, I am sure is not the best thing. So last week I began to study and dedicate my weekends to it. Now I have to start dedicating my week nights instead of watching the latest episodes of my favorite shows. It is pretty much a now or never situation for this last attempt. 

I have been thinking about how important it is for me to get my masters. Before, meaning the last 2 times I took the exam, it wasn't as important. Main reason, I thought I could ace it on my smarts alone ... well that busted. Reason number 2, I was still somewhat bitter about staying in Tallahassee and hoped that I wasn't supposed to really be here and I could just get the heck out. But after months of still being here, I have come to the conclusion that God does want me here and I need to accept it and stop screwing up my future. And, of course after months of this contemplation I have realized that getting a degree in Sports Admin was never my passion. My passion is planning and putting on events. So the degree that does completely fulfill my passion is the Integrated Marketing Communication major. I want to learn the in's and out's of the PR, Advertising, and Marketing field. And... this degree gives me the opportunity to intern as well, which is what i need since I technically didn't intern my last semester of undergrad. 

I have witnessed where all of my fellow classmates have continued their lives outside of our event planning major. Some have gone to companies and are planning events daily. But the majority have become waitresses, working in retail, etc. Maybe they are completely happy with that decision and I commend them for that, but as for me I wouldn't be okay with it. I have spent way to much money and I am knee deep in student loan debt for me not to get a high paying job in Events. So this is my only chance. I have to achieve a really good score and get accepted into this program. It is a necessity. 

So continued prayer and studying I believe will give me the plan that God has lined up for me. I am praying for God to show me his will IN my life, not his will FOR my life. 

On another note, I start leading my first small group this upcoming Tuesday. I am very excited to see what God has in store for this group. It's been a tough road for me through this Christian lifestyle, but yet whose hasn't been. A lot of up's and down's but I think God has given me the down's to appreciate how grateful the up's are. 

Well, my brain is starting to fry with all of this math mumbojumbo that is the GRE. It's almost 9pm so I think I am going to go home and call it a night. 

Much love and God Bless.