this past month has definitely been a roller coaster. When break ended and I was heading back up here to Tally the only thing I was looking forward to was coming back home 2 weeks later to be united with my best friend. The one thing that happened in between there was the Jets beating the Colts.
I went home ecstatic to see my best friend and my family as well. My brother was coming into town to see the Jets v. Patriots game with my Dad and I. The older I am the more I want to keep going home. I don't think I want to live there with them for an extended period of time, but I can't imagine being farther away from them. This puts a major strain on a lot of my plans because of course I want to move far away. But then again, that's my plan not God's plan in my life.
I came back to school pretty upset that I was away from them. Spending time with my Dad is precious and I just continuously feel so bad that he's practically home by himself most of the time. Like today, I'm sure he watched the Heat game, NHL All Star game, and now the Pro Bowl by himself while I was doing the same thing and I'm sure Nick was too. It doesn't get any easier to be away from him. My mom on the other hand is my best friend in the entire world and I miss him warmness and her positive attitude towards my life. I just cannot wait to go back home in March. I'm 22 years old, been away for 5 years, and now I decide that I am finally homesick.... you might think weird ... but I know exactly why I have become this way.
The only thing that has made me love Tallahassee lately are the opportunities that my amazing church, Fellowship Of The Hills, has given me the opportunity to improve my spiritual life by becoming more involved. I'm starting to lead a small group this Tuesday and it's my main motivation for the week.
I just hope my amazing small group doesn't get overshadowed by the consistent pressure i continue to place on myself in the workplace. I never feel like I am doing an excellent job and that I always have to prove that I am a worthy employee. It has become super exhausting and whether or not I have received advice on how to not care so much, it doesn't change the fact that I do care. When people say, just shrug it off, they are really saying dust it under the rug ... but when the rug becomes lumpy and trip over it face first into all the problems then what are you left with? A pile of problems you thought you buried. I rather just face them head on, but it's an never ending battle.
I know God is trying to convey to me that I need to stop trying to please everyone else at work other than HIM, but I am struggling so much with that concept. I never feel the need to get the approval of anything else except at my job. I pretty much am who I am and I love that about myself. But this battle emotionally needs to end. I cannot keep killing myself over things I can't control. I will never be good enough in "man's" eye because every time I am somewhat close "man" makes up a flaw so I'm not. But in God's eyes I am always good enough if all I do is LOVE and TRUST in HIM. I just need to let this one go.
My past has been dead and gone for a while. I've finally let my future be in complete control by GOD's will in my life. Now I just have to give him the present.
LORD, you are the almighty father that has graciously given me life and has forgiven for me for my countless sins. Please give me the strength to give you my present and only live to praise you which in return will give me complete and utter happiness. Please release my constant battle with receiving the approval of others while I serve. Give me the assurance that your love is sufficient enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment