just another manic monday

when I was a kid I was convinced that the song Manic Monday by the Bangles said, "Just another man called monday". WOW. 


This Manic Monday wasn't too manic actually. I was on my way to work when Cam called to tell me to head to the MCF to let this Comcast man in to fix the internet in the facility. Well, of course I automatically think some fat old guy is going to greet me with a, "Hello, Can I fix your internet? " Instead it was a very good looking young guy who was totally cool and awesome. Too bad he was just the Comcast man, no number and definitely looking him up on facebook is going too far. But nonetheless, it was a good start to my morning. 


My day didn't consist of too much annoyance or angry emotions. Today was pretty chill for a Monday, but I'll take it instead of a Manic Monday when I feel like I want to punch everyone or everyone wants to punch me. Throughout the day I went to the baseball stadium to take pictures for Cam, for some reason. When I got there, I met a Cleveland Indians scout who talked to me for about 15-20 min. He was super nice and proceeded to give me his card for any future use. That was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. 


Other than that, sometimes the best feeling in the world is coming home to my wonderful 1BD apartment where no one can bother me and I can sit in my living room, with my amazing "True Bliss Tangerine and Vanilla" candle and just enjoy the silence. Well until either my crazy neighbor's greyhound starts barking for an hour or the train passes by. But for now I am just going to take in this non stressful day and praise God for all the things he has provided to me today. 


Good night <3

what a month

this past month has definitely been a roller coaster. When break ended and I was heading back up here to Tally the only thing I was looking forward to was coming back home 2 weeks later to be united with my best friend. The one thing that happened in between there was the Jets beating the Colts. 


I went home ecstatic to see my best friend and my family as well. My brother was coming into town to see the Jets v. Patriots game with my Dad and I. The older I am the more I want to keep going home. I don't think I want to live there with them for an extended period of time, but I can't imagine being farther away from them. This puts a major strain on a lot of my plans because of course I want to move far away. But then again, that's my plan not God's plan in my life. 


I came back to school pretty upset that I was away from them. Spending time with my Dad is precious and I just continuously feel so bad that he's practically home by himself most of the time. Like today, I'm sure he watched the Heat game, NHL All Star game, and now the Pro Bowl by himself while I was doing the same thing and I'm sure Nick was too. It doesn't get any easier to be away from him. My mom on the other hand is my best friend in the entire world and I miss him warmness and her positive attitude towards my life. I just cannot wait to go back home in March. I'm 22 years old, been away for 5 years, and now I decide that I am finally homesick.... you might think weird ... but I know exactly why I have become this way. 


The only thing that has made me love Tallahassee lately are the opportunities that my amazing church, Fellowship Of The Hills, has given me the opportunity to improve my spiritual life by becoming more involved. I'm starting to lead a small group this Tuesday and it's my main motivation for the week. 


I just hope my amazing small group doesn't get overshadowed by the consistent pressure i continue to place on myself in the workplace. I never feel like I am doing an excellent job and that I always have to prove that I am a worthy employee. It has become super exhausting and whether or not I have received advice on how to not care so much, it doesn't change the fact that I do care. When people say, just shrug it off, they are really saying dust it under the rug ... but when the rug becomes lumpy and trip over it face first into all the problems then what are you left with? A pile of problems you thought you buried. I rather just face them head on, but it's an never ending battle. 


I know God is trying to convey to me that I need to stop trying to please everyone else at work other than HIM, but I am struggling so much with that concept. I never feel the need to get the approval of anything else except at my job. I pretty much am who I am and I love that about myself. But this battle emotionally needs to end. I cannot keep killing myself over things I can't control. I will never be good enough in "man's" eye because every time I am somewhat close "man" makes up a flaw so I'm not.  But in God's eyes I am always good enough if all I do is LOVE and TRUST in HIM. I just need to let this one go.


My past has been dead and gone for a while.  I've finally let my future be in complete control by GOD's will in my life. Now I just have to give him the present. 


LORD, you are the almighty father that has graciously given me life and has forgiven for me for my countless sins. Please give me the strength to give you my present and only live to praise you which in return will give me complete and utter happiness. Please release my constant battle with receiving the approval of others while I serve. Give me the assurance that your love is sufficient enough. 

so it's official

so it's official ... i am a florida state university alum! graduation was yesterday and it was beautiful. it couldn't have been anymore perfect. my family was unbelievable. they were so supportive throughout the entire 4 years and they continue now to be there for me through thick and thin. ... especially since i start grad school classes on January 4th. 


i still have to go retake the GRE... hopefully third time is a charm. tomorrow i am MAKING myself get up and go somewhere to study. maybe borders or barnes and nobles.... panera? who knows. i need to get cracking and really FIGHT for what i want. 


i think the last 2 times i took it my heart and my mind were not on the same page. i wanted a good score for all the right reasons..... to prove to others i could do it, to prove that i was worth my current job position, etc. but now it's for me. i know i need this good score so I CAN ACHIEVE the dream that GOD has sent out for me. 


there's a lot of messages that GOD has been sending me over the past LONG year. 
1. To take care of myself. I've let myself go because "i don't care" but in fact I do care and feeling comfortable in my own skin is extremely important. 
2. To read more. I've been putting off reading these 4 books that I should have completed years ago. 
3. To cook more. I have been frivolously spending money on food for the past 2 years when I am completely capable of cooking meals and I actually think about the food I could have cooked when I am eating food that isn't good for me. 
4. To journal more. I need to pick up a pen and paper and just write everything down. 
5. TO ENGULF MYSELF IN GODS WORD DAILY. Everyday before I lay my head to sleep I think about the things I didn't accomplish that day. The first thing I think about is not reading my bible and watching Law and Order: SVU instead. I know I shouldn't put it off any longer, but come JANUARY 1ST my AMAZING church (thefellowshipofthehills.org) will be starting a Radical Experiment including reading through the bible in one year. This is exactly the motivation I needed. 


There are a lot of things I should have accomplished by now. But this is the time to step it up. I complain about Mark Sanchez, THE HOTTEST JETS QUARTERBACK, being a pansy and not meeting his full potential ... but I am wasting time as well. I have this attainable vision of who I could be and i am ABSOLUTELY in love with it. I just need to put on my big girl shoes and follow through. This winter break will be my chance to get everything in order. .... for once I am going to follow through, because I have a MARVELOUS GOD on my side and the most magnificent MOTHER and family. 

nothing to lose but everything to gain

this week has been a slow one, yet again. ive been lacking motivation on my own self. i was in a good routine of working out 3 times a week and the past 2 weeks have been maybe 2x if im lucky. I've been eating like crap this past 2 weeks and spending money like i have a lot .... which i dont.

my apartment isn't in the cleanest shape. i think i just need God to show me something. it sounds bad but my spirits have been down this past week when the chaos has slowed down. When im home by myself I only want to sleep. it sucks.

I need this next week to be a good one. I hate these ruts.
I want to go back to my routine. I need to find that motivation that I lose so easily.

more like falling in love

ive been anxiously awaiting the day where i regain my intense, passionate, and overflowing love for Jesus. I used to be on fire for Christ ... not in a bible thumping-knock on your door kind of way but just so grateful that God sent his son to die for my sins. This one song, by Jason Gray, describes my constant urge to regain the passion and I hope, that with the circumstances at hand in my life right now, this prayer will be answered. 

Here's the song- More Like Falling In Love 

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

CHORUS

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

i don't want to go through the motions

this new path of life has not been an easy one thusfar. i have been struggling a lot mentally with what i feel like i should be doing. the worrying and the failed planning has ultimately led me to a lot of stress lately and uncertainty. but the most beautiful thing about all of this, is that through the pain, confusion, and stressful lifestyle God has been shining through and I can finally lift the veil over my eyes long enough to grab his hand while he leads me through the path he planned out for me long before i was born. 


i am normally a crazy planner.... makes sense since it was my undergrad major. all of the failed planning lately has made me realize that God is trying to humble me and teach me to not worry and freak out about tomorrow because he has it under control. 


once i figured this all out and finally was able to see this concept I have truly been able to breathe better. last week was a struggle and now the situations at hand are in no way in my control ... even if i tried. 


im a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and this whole dilemma that i am going through will truly work itself out and my future will be planned out in front of me the way God sees fit. 


On another note, I have been thinking a lot lately of how I am barely contributing to society. I haven't indulged myself in any community service or any extra curricular activities for that matter. I have only been focusing on myself, my finances, and my future and all that has brought me are tons of headaches. I'll quote Matthew West and say, "I don't want to go through the motions, I don't want to spend one more day, without your all consuming passion inside of me!" 


I want to feel that burning passion to help people and assist in making the world a better place on person at a time. As a church body, we are feeding the homeless in 2 weeks which I am veryyy excited about. But I need to do more. So I am looking into some community service things I can get my hands on. 


Other than that, work is going well. Mike and Ashley got married yesterday and it was unbelievable. My mom was up visiting last weekend and it was incredible and so warming to have her here. In a month I am going to Western Kentucky for a tournament that I am helping run with Mike. And in December I am going to Colorado for a week to visit Rachel!!! 


Life is making a turn around and I am ... for the first time in my life ... taking it one day at a time. 


Just like Matthew said in 6:34 - "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." 


<3 

chains be broken

I have had these terrible chains weighing me down the past couple of weeks. It's the chains of approval. I normally don't possess this chains, but something about being in my new position and being back in tally has caused this. 


These chains have been holding me back from being the real me. I can't keep looking from the approval and trust from others. It's like the saying, "when you're looking for it it's never going to come". Well that's how I feel. I have been too worried about the whole transition at work from supervisor to graduate assistant and paranoid that everyone is going to hate me or not respect me. But I feel like thinking about it too much causes this paranoia way more. 


If I just be me then maybe things will pan out the way it should. And if it doesn't, oh well. I am going to be best foot forward and put my whole heart into this position. But this heart is guarded from petty gossip, opinions, and the such. 


I am not here to try and please everybody. 


My main priorities right now are the following: 
1. To excel at the task that has God has placed in front of me and do it to glorify him. 
2. To prove to myself that I deserved and was offered this position for a reason. 
3. To gain as much as experience as possible about every aspect of this position and the job it has to offer. 
4. GET MY EDUCATION :) 


If I don't break these chains they are going to keep wearing me out and questioning who I am, why I am, and if I am good enough for the task at hand. That's not how someone should live their life. 


I know I am capable of great things because God has a path that is leading to treasure in heaven. 


I'm excited for this new mindset. I hope that God continues to place it on my heart. 


Goodnight. God Bless.